Court Charades
by Galieo Figaro
Summary: Parody of the Monty Python sketch of the same name. The result of being bored on the bus to school this morning. Even though the musicals mentioned are Avenue Q and Cats, there are other characters from different musicals as well. I OWN NOTHING! Enjoy: Rated K for minor cursing and brief mentioning. No flames.


(Courtroom: usual set up with a judge, clerk of the court and defense counsel sitting in the well of the court. The defendant is in the witness box.)

Judge (Kate Monster, "Avenue Q"): Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, have you reached a verdict?

Foreman (Pinocchio, "Shrek"): We have your honor.

Kate: And how do you find the defendant?

(Pinocchio puts his hand out with two fingers extended)

Kate: Two words.

(Pinocchio nods and holds up one finger)

Kate: First word.

(Pinocchio mimes taking a piece of string and tying it in a knot)

Kate: Rope? String?

(Pinocchio shakes his head and points to the knot.)

Counsel (Sir Lancelot, "Spamalot"): Point?

Clerk (Elphaba, "Wicked"): Belt?

Kate: Tie?

(Pinocchio nods and points to the knot.)

Lancelot: Cravat? Silk square?

Elphaba: Knot?

(Pinocchio nods enthusiastically.)

All (various Broadway characters): Knot!

(Pinocchio gives a thumbs up and points to his second finger.)

Kate: Second word.

(Pinocchio indicates two syllables)

Kate: Two syllables.

(Pinocchio points to his first finger)

Kate: First syllable.

(Pinocchio starts to mime a fish while pointing at his throat)

Kate: Bird?

Elphaba: Swimmer?

Kate: Breast stroke.

Lancelot: Brian Phelps.

Kate: No, no, no, he was a diver.

Elphaba: Esther Williams then.

Kate: No, no, don't be silly. How can you find someone 'Not Esther Williams'?

Lancelot: Fish.

(Pinocchio nods and points at his throat)

Lancelot: Fish wheeze. Fish wheeze?

Kate: Fish breathe.

Lancelot: Fish breathe, throat.

Kate: Fish breathe, throat? GILL!

(Pinocchio gives a thumbs up and the court applauds excitedly)

Kate: Not gill.

(Pinocchio mimes the second syllable.)

Kate: Second syllable. Not gill.

(Pinocchio mimes drinking a cup of tea.)

Lancelot: Drink.

Elphaba: Sip? Imbibe?

(Pinocchio points to the mimed cup itself.)

Kate: Not gill ... cup? Not gill cup!

(Pinocchio looks disappointed)

Kate (to the defendant):You have been found not gill cup of the charges made against you. You may leave this court a free man.

(The defendant leaves)

Kate: Right. My turn.

(Kate holds up four fingers.)

Lancelot: Four words.

(Kate mimes shouting for the first word.)

Pinocchio: First word shout?

Lancelot: Bellow?

Elphaba: Call?

All: Call!

(Kate gives a thumbs up and indicates that the second word is very small.)

Lancelot: Second word is very small.

Pinocchio: A?

Lancelot: An?

Elphaba: Up?

Pinocchio: The?

(Kate gives a thumbs up.)

All: The!

Elphaba: Call the, third word.

(Kate points to her neck.)

Lancelot: Gill?

Member of Jury (Babette, "Beauty and the Beast"): Fish?

Elphaba: Adam's apple. (Kate shakes her head) Neck. (Kate mimes sounds like) Sounds like neck?

Second Counsel (Wednesday Addams, "The Addams Family") Next.

Pinocchio: Call the ... next!

(Kate gives a thumbs up and indicates that the fourth word is three syllables. First syllable: she mimes deafness.)

Elphaba: Fourth word, three syllables. First syllable... ear?

Lancelot: Hear. Can't hear.

Elphaba: Deaf! Call the next def-.

(Kate leaps out of her seat and points at her own bottom.)

Lancelot: Bottom.

Elphaba: Seat? Trouser? Cheek?

Pinocchio: End! Call the next defend-.

(Kate sits down, disappears under the desk and appears with an enormous model of an ant about four feet long.)

Whole Court: Ant!

Elphaba: Call the next defendant!

(The court applauds Kate who bows and sits; the whole mood changes)

Elphaba: Call the next defendant. The Honorable Mr. Justice Erik.

(A very elderly judge in full robes comes into the dock)

Elphaba: If I may charge you m'lud, you are charged m'lud that on the fourteenth day of June 1970, at the Central Criminal Court, you did commit acts likely to cause a breach of the peace. How plead you m'lud, guilty or not guilty?

Judge Kilbraken (Erik, The Phantom of the Opera): Not guilty. Case not proven. Court adjourned.

(He hits the dock. Everyone gets up and starts walking out talking to each other.)

Kate: No, no, no, no, no, no, no.

(They all stop, go back and sit down again)

Kate: No, you're in the dock, m'lud.

Erik: I'm a judge, m'lud.

Kate: So am I, m'lud, so watch it.

Erik: Hah! Call this a court.

All: Call this a court. Call this a court. Call this a court.

Kate: Shut up. Right now get on with the spiel.

Lancelot: M'lud, and my other lud, the prosecution will endeavor to show m'lud, that m'lud - ah, not you m'lud, that m'lud, m'lud, while passing sentence at the Central Criminal Court blotted his copybook. Call exhibit Q.

Kate: Q?!

Lancelot: Sorry did I say Q? I meant A. Sorry, call exhibit A.

Elphaba: Call exhibit A.

(Two court ushers carry in a thing with a sheet over it. They pull off the sheet to reveal a very sexy girl - Mary Magdalene, "Jesus Christ Superstar" - in a provocative pose.)

Lancelot: Exhibit A m'lud, Miss Mary Magdalene, former prostitute, follower of Jesus Christ and occasional perfume sales lady, was found guilty under the Rude Behavior Act in the accused's court. The accused, m'lud, sentenced her to be taken from this place and brought round to his place.

Wednesday: Objection, m'lud.

Erik: Objection sustained.

Kate: You shut up! Objection overruled.

Lancelot: The accused then commented on Miss Magdelene's bodily structure, made several not-at-all legal remarks on the subject of fun and then placed his robes over his head and began to emit low moans.

Kate: Have you anything to say in your defense?

Erik: I haven't had any for weeks.

Kate: Oh no? What about that little number you've got tucked away in Central Park?

Erik: Oh, I never!

Kate: Oh no. Ho! Ho! Ho!

Erik: All right then what about ?

Kate: You say anything about that and I'll do you for treason.

Lancelot: M'lud if we could continue...

Erik: He's got a Chinese bit there.

Kate: No, that's contempt of court.

Erik: It was only a joke.

Kate: Contempt of court. However, I'm not going to punish you, because we're so short of judges at the moment, what with all of them immigrating to South Africa. I'm going tomorrow; I've got my ticket. Get out there and get some decent sentencing done. Ooh, Broadway makes you sick. Best I can manage here is life imprisonment. It's hardly worth coming in in the morning. Now, South Africa? You've got your cat of nine tails, you've got four death sentences a week, you've got cheap drinks, slave labor and a booming stock market. I'm off, I tell you. Yes, I'm up to here with probation and bleeding psychiatric reports. That's it, I'm off. That's it. Right. Well I'm going to have one final fling before I leave, so I sentence you to be burnt at the stake.

Erik: Blimey! I didn't expect the Spanish Inquisition.

(Court reacts expectantly. Cut to suburban house. The three members of the Spanish Inquisition - Ximinez: Rum Tum Tugger, Biggles: Skimbleshanks, Fang: Munkustrap (all from "Cats) suddenly belt out of the door and down the path. Dick Barton music. Cut to them leaping onto a bus.)

Tugger: Two, er, three to the Old Bailey please.

(Credits start superimposed.)

Skimbleshanks: Look they've started the credits.

Tugger: Hurry. Hurry. Hurry...

Skimbleshanks: Come on hurry. Hurry!

(We see shots of them coming through New York.)

Tugger: There's the lighting credit, only five left.

(More shots of the bus going through New York; the credits reach the producer)

Tugger: Hell, it's the producer - quick!

(They leap off the bus into the Old Bailey. Cut to court room. They burst in.)

Tugger: Nobody expects the Spa- ('The End' appears) Oh bugger!


End file.
